Confessions of a Valentine's Burglar: A Love Story That Got Way Out of Hand
"Please, for the love of all things holy, I can't give her a sh*t present after all of this"
That's how Tom burst in, clutching his wife's "stolen" ring like it was made of nitroglycerin. His eyes had the wild look of a man who'd been living on borrowed time.
She thinks someone broke into our house," he whispered, glancing over his shoulder as if his wife might materialise behind him.
"She's installed THREE security cameras. I had to crawl through the garden yesterday to avoid them. THE GARDEN. There were thorns. Do you know how hard it is to explain random scratches to a suspicious wife?"
He slumped against our counter.
"I've got exactly eight days until Valentine's," he continued, pacing our showroom. "She's already called the police twice. My sister-in-law is running out of excuses. And yesterday? Yesterday my wife bought a baseball bat. A BASEBALL BAT. She's never played baseball in her life!"
I really tried not to laugh.
"I've committed fake robbery. I'm technically a jewel thief. I'm pretty sure that means I have to deliver something spectacular or I'm sleeping in the garden. With the thorns. Forever."
I asked about a few style options...
"Style? STYLE? I've already invested in an elaborate crime scheme. I've got thorns in places thorns should never be. Just show me the rings that'll make her forget she almost hired a private investigator."
We scanned the display, finally finding The One. That's when I had to tell him the truth.
"Um, Tom... all our rings come in one adjustable size."
He stared at us. Blinked slowly. Touched the thorn scratches on his arms.
"You mean I didn't need to..." His eye twitched slightly... He started counting on his fingers. "The three hours I spent convincing her sister to be my alibi... The FOUR DAYS I spent avoiding my wife... The fake police report I almost filed..."
He collapsed into our display chair, looking like a man who'd just learned the Earth was flat.
"I've been sleeping with her ring in my sock. MY SOCK. Do you know how uncomfortable that is? I've been wearing TWO DIFFERENT SIZED SOCKS FOR A WEEK."
A silence that started a small crease in his cheeks. We both started laughing - he erupted something about security camera blind spots and his elaborate Valentine's delivery plans.
"I'm thinking of hiding it in her coffee," he said.
I had to advise against it.
"...You're right. She's so jumpy she'd probably swallow it and then I'd have to explain THAT to the emergency room."
Yesterday, Tom sent us a photo. His wife Sarah, beaming at the camera, both rings sparkling on her finger. The security cameras are still up, but at least she's put away the baseball bat.
P.S. Tom, if you're reading this, Sarah called yesterday
She was asking about our adjustable rings and laughing quite a lot. Apparently, she's known about your sock-and-ring hiding spot this whole time. She just wanted to see how long you'd keep crawling through the garden.
*Sometimes love means committing a little light burglary. But maybe next time just read our website, Tom.* 😉
With love...
